Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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