Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
