Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
