I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
