He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
MIDGETS
????
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
