...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
