you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
