saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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