roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
