I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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