If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
