doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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