and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
