Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
