this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
