I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
