I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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