just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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