when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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