I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
