We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
