I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
