i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
