Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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