We're facebook friends in real life
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
