You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
