she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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