i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
50% drunk capacity currently
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
