There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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