Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
