i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
