In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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