I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
