I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I got inside last night via doggy door
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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