I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
worst night to have a conscience
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
