There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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