I don't usually arrange sex via text message
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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