I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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