You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
