I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
