he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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