There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it glows. i had to have it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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