i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
