You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
