my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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