he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
