Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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