i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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