I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
