theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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