Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
