Don't make out with my wife yet
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he thought i was a dude.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
