yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
