I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
