if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
